Widowhood Journey

This is a journey that I cannot leave…you see, since I last blogged, life became interesting.  My husband entered the hospital for a while…well..the equivalent of over month.  The first time, he had an infection, which we thought had cleared up.  Then, a week after he was home, the infection returned.

After a few days of tests, he had a heart attack…then after another round of tests, he had surgery to remove his catheter and another one was placed in him for his dialysis.  The infection continued and he kept having more complications plus more procedures.  Until, one day, he realized that he no longer wanted to fight so we gave him the okay to go Home…

Well, almost three weeks ago, after a couple days of no sleep while watching him struggle from the infection, he took his final breath…now its the journey of widowhood…

The weeks since have been a struggle…the first few days were a daze but I’ve been focused on God and becoming a godly person like my husband.  My mom stayed with me for a few days while I figure out how to plan a funeral…something that is totally new to me…all I know is that losing someone as close as a husband is a lot different than losing someone like a grandparent or in the case of my in-laws, losing a son.

I come and go but no husband here…I do have our cat who has been a blessing…and I’ve been turning to God during this dark valley.  Yeah I’ve experienced all kinds of emotions since losing him from anger, tons of tears, and even smiles as I think of him…graduated and fully healed.

What have I learned?  That you don’t know how to be a widow…you expect people to drop things and be there for you, but they have their lives. Yeah, some have been here like my mom and the friends who brought dinner but i’m basically on my own now.  I’m not the type of person to stay in bed all the time…getting up and taking care of myself has helped because, not only have I become a widow, I need to find a job and a new home…so that’s another journey that’s easier to walk than the journey of being a widow…

So for a while my blogs will be sporadic but I hope to start back up again as I share insights on being a widow while finding a job and a new home…but I know God is helping me on each of these journeys.  And, as one pastor told me, my husband is probably helping God with my journey too as I cherish memories, his ashes, and our rings while being part of the widowhood club…

Praising the Lord as I Hit the Bumps in the Journey

Hello, how are you my friends?  Hope all is well as I write tonight’s blog…

So, as I write this, I will first let you know that I may not write a blog for at least a week as I prepare to focus on a final paper on a passage in the book of Micah for my class on the OT Prophets this week.  Yep, another class is about to end and that will be one more down with five more to go…if I get a chance, maybe i’ll pop in and write a few notes about the final as I discover the Lord’s lessons in this study…

Anyway, as I go through this journey of earning a degree towards a Master in Pastoral Care, I have been hit with a few bumps in terms of my own health and even my husband’s health, which have forced me to cut back my hours at the church but I won’t give it up.  I almost did but God reminded me that He wanted me there and opened my eyes to another option of cutting back hours, which I have, as I face the bumps in my journey.

  • Bump 1:  As for my health, I won’t go into details but earlier this year I was finally diagnosed with diabetes and began treatment.  Currently its just taking a med twice a day as my condition is monitored.  This has forced me to watch what I eat and focus more on natural ways to heal my body.  For the most part, I’m controlling it.
  • Bump 2:  Then, throughout the course of getting routine checkups, a biopsy has occurred with the results to be on the lookout for a concern and be treated for it…no its not the c word, yet, praise the Lord and praising the Lord that it won’t become the c word.
  • Bump 3:  Another routine test confirmed a suspicion – I have partial hearing loss…it took 20 years until I finally got a doctor to really listen and have me tested.  IF something is not right, be persistent with doctors.  Yet, I need to be tested for something else to explain the physical reason why I have partial hearing loss (thought it was from either getting hit by a baseball plus construction at work at the time).  Even need expensive hearing aids!  But praising the Lord that He’s in control…
  • Bump 4:  Finally, yet another issue has been hitting my body that has led to the discovery of low iron and hemoglobin levels – yet another round of tests coming up…yes, I’m still praising the Lord!
  • Bump 5:  My husband has been having circulation problems again and this next week he will be having an angiogram on his hip to determine the extent of lack of blood flow in his right stump…yet I’m still praising the Lord.

Well, to be honest, I haven’t always been praising the Lord – over the course of the last several days, I’ve had my scary moments and even questioned why the Lord would send me on the journey to get a degree in ministry, only to have my health be attacked like this.  Yet, I continue to praise Him even in the scary times and sought both His comfort and the comfort of my husband’s arms and strong encouraging words.

I’ve felt alone because I’ve asked for prayer from people and not getting much response…yet I still praise the Lord and I will still pray for people.  Though the storm clouds seem dark right now, I know the Son is still shining and HE is in control.

Suggestion:  Be there for people as they are going through a rough time…even if you don’t know what to say or do, just a simple I’m praying for you will work.  Being silent only makes the person(s) think you don’t care and the storm clouds seem darker.  Yet that person(s) knows they still have Jesus at their side.

Finally, no questions tonight, but just a wrap up…even if you are still silent with people, you are still loved…as we continue to praise the Lord and put our trust in Him.

The Clydesdale and Prayers

Have you ever wanted something so bad that you would do anything for it?  You prayed and you ran scenarios through your head as to how you would handle this thing you wanted really bad?

This happened to me a couple weeks ago at a county fair where I went to see one of my favorite animals – horses!  There was a raffle ticket for a horse – a Clydesdale mare, of all horses – but I was determined to win her as I purchased several tickets.  After all, for as long as I can remember, I’ve always wanted a horse.

I spent that night dreaming of ways to care for the horse – though I don’t think the apartment management company would welcome a horse as a pet – especially one as big as a Clydesdale.  I begged my in-laws, since they have a field, and even called my parents who have a neighbor with a field

I was full of hope until the night of the drawing came and went – with no calls!  I wanted to rant at God for not answering my prayers then remembered there are times when He will say no especially for something like a horse that I would not have been able to take care of.  So the reasons for God’s no on this prayer request were understood.

After all, James 4:3 (NIV) says:  When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures. 

Maybe I would have used this horse for my own pleasures and not for God’s purpose?

Yet some prayers will be heard and taken care of yet sometimes God needs to say no to us.  We may not always understand like me wanting my son back in my life…yet I know God has a purpose for that and some day he will be restored to me.  Yet, other prayers like my husband’s complete healing are not so easily understand as I watch him fight the complications of T1 diabetes and yet he is faithful to God as he encourages those around him.

Yet, in conclusion, as I look back, there have been times that He has answered with a yes;   After all, Matthew 21:22 (NIV) says:  If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer.”  The yes answers have been about glorifying Him and serving His purpose like the prayers of giving me the right words for this blog or even allowing recent doctor tests to come back that said “no cancer” so I can continue to use my degree to serve Him.


1)  Is there times that God has said no to your prayers?  If so, if you looked back, do you think there was a reason?  I know some “nos” maybe painful like not healing someone like my husband…and I don’t have an answer to these nos.

2)  Can you look back and see where He has answered with a yes?  If so, do you show you are grateful even if the answer was no?

Even more refreshing…the goodness of rain.

Outside, the rain is coming down as a soaker…refreshing the world around me.

Even more refreshing, I am observing a family laughing and playing together in the downpour.  At first, I wanted to grumble about how dangerous it is to play on a roof and in the rain.  Then you hear the laughter of the kids as they spend a few moments in fun and joy with their dad.  What a refreshing scene!

Even more refreshing, as the rain continued to pour over the city, there was the sweet scent of fresh rain as it washed surfaces like apartments, stores, the road, and even sidewalks around my building.

Even more refreshing is that rain can bring healing and salvation to people as it refreshes their lives according to Isaiah 45:8 (MSG), “Open up, heavens, and rain.  Clouds, pour out buckets of my goodness! Loosen up, earth, and bloom salvation; sprout right living.”  What needs to be revived or refreshed in your life?

Even now, we are worried as we look for a reliable mover; however, we must trust that God will provide and bring either the right mover or the right person to drive a truck.  After all, He is lining everything else up for us as we find temporary housing and other necessity like medical doctors for this move

Even more refreshing, as we face this fear, we know that the Creator of the rain will provide as noted in Acts 14:17 (NIV) “Yet he has not left himself without testimony: He has shown kindness by giving you rain from heaven and crops in their seasons; he provides you with plenty of food and fills your hearts with joy.”  What blessing is needed in your own life?

As we look for a mover, we must remember to continue to praise and bless God so that we can get thumbs up from Him as we move forward with our dream.  Therefore, in conclusion, my husband and I must continue to look forward to the blessings and doors that God will open as we continue on our journey.

What obstacles are you facing as you approach your journey?  Do you need to be refreshed through the power of cleansing rain as you face this obstacle?  On the other hand, do you have a dream or vision that needs to be revived through rain that is refreshing?

Whatever the obstacle might be, remember to play in the rain and soak up His goodness…